Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Skeleton Key 2: 667 Neighbor of the Beast (2008)

Best Bad Quote: "This is hot sauce. And you'll dip your balls in it." 
Unbeknownst to me as I began my journey into the madness that is Skeleton Key 2, this was not the sequel to the 2005 Kate Hudson film The Skeleton Key. It took me about a minute to realize that I'd made a very grave mistake. I felt fear grip me as I discovered that this was not a terrible direct-to-DVD sequel capitalizing on a decent, if a bit insubstantial, horror film.

Skeleton Key 2 is a terrible, independent micro budget horror spoof comedy. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with independent, micro budgeted films. No, the key words here are horror spoof comedy, a trifecta of words that, if uttered together, automatically create a vortex of unfunny suck that threaten those who watch a film with those descriptors with permanent insanity.

Skeleton Key 2 is a film within a film. You, yes you, have been tied up and forced by a prancing, squealing man-child to watch Skeleton Key 2. In this moment you have no mouth and you feel you must scream. But, you have a hand, right? You can turn off the movie. No, you can't. You can't turn away from the horror before you. It's the best and most terrible train wreck you will ever see. And, you must watch. 

Your descent into madness continues as the hero, Howard (writer/director John Johnson), explains to you (yes, you!) that he is a new man. Because he wears a tie. It's like watching an unfunny sketch comedy show. You can't laugh, because it's so painfully not funny. However, you can't laugh at the awfulness of it either because it's not absurd enough. So, you cry. I did.

Nothing in the film makes sense. It randomly rips off Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, classic video games and TROLL 2. Though I never figured out what was really going on in the film, I do know that Howard had been summoned to the infamous town of Nilbog to rescue his attractive Indian friend, Cornelius. Nilbog might be goblin spelled backward, but in Skeleton Key 2 Nilbog is overrun with Smurf-faced zombies. Along the way, Howard is terrorized by a leprechaun, shadowed by a Hulk-ian demon, and becomes a participant of several orgies. In one scene, two women standing behind old washing machines are milked and the black woman produces chocolate milk. Really.

At one point, you manage to change the channel to a USA Up All Night type show called Cinema Insomnia while your man-child kidnapper is occupied. The host of the show lampoons Skeleton Key 2 with a scathingly accurate review saying it's a good thing for director/writer John Johnson that other people made movies with good ideas in them or he wouldn't have been able to make Skeleton Key 2 at all.

That John Johnson includes this is a real kick in the gut. Not only are you watching a movie that is pure, undiluted excrement, but then John Johnson reminds you that it is you who is the fool, not him. He made this filth, not caring if it were good, or even entertaining, and released it onto the unsuspecting world. And now you've wasted two hours (yes, two hours!) of your life not being able to turn away, slowly feeling as if you have descended into madness. Surely something could not be this bad? But it is, it truly is. Skeleton Key 2 is the worst movie I have ever seen. 

Rating: 0 out of 5 Demons Wearing Pink Foam Cowboy Hats

See this review also at Link.


  1. Sounds about as much fun as a trip to the circus where seat Nazis force you to sit near the elephant cage. Did I mention the elephants are all suffering from dysentery and you are within squirting distance? So yeah it sounds about as much as forcing your kids to eat that fecal spattered cotton candy, which as an upstanding parent I wouldn’t normally do, but those damn little bastards wouldn’t shut the hell until I shelled $20 for sugar-pubes on a stick!


  2. Actually, that movie sounds better that Skeleton Key 2.

  3. I too thought this was a sequel to The Skeleton Key, Jesus Christ was I wrong. The Black woman producing Chocolate Milk lactation from her booby was gold though. Almost felt like a Chris Seaver film, except for the fact that it sucked and wasn't funny.

  4. You leave Chris Seaver out of this! He doesn't deserve to be associated with this film!

  5. That breast thing reminds me of The Gore Gore Girls, although there it's worse: a woman has her nipples cut off one at a time, and it turns out one breast gives white milk and the other chocolate. It was so bizarre and insane that it actually pulled me out of the cesspool of suck that movie was...and then moments later stuck me right back into said cesspool.

    I guess there's also some sort of lactating fetish webcomic called "Magnificent Milkmaid" or somesuch, and there's a black version of her that gives chocolate milk, but despite hearing about it I was in no frame of mind to go actually look at it.

    God, what has my life become that I can hold forth on women giving chocolate milk in the media!?!

    Off to cry now.

    --The Rev.

  6. You know, I've heard of The Gore Gore Girls (aka Blood Orgy). I have I pretty decent collection of fucked up movies, I wonder if this is in there? Off to check!

  7. I do not in any way condone watching The Gore Gore Girls, and accept no responsibility if you actually do. It is just as terrible as you expect an H.G. Lewis movie to be, with the added "bonus" of a protagonist you want to punch in the face and heaping helpings of misogyny. (That there's an in-story reason for the misogyny in no way makes it easier to watch.) It actually made me feel unclean afterwards, like I'd literally bathed in grit and slime.

    --The Rev.