Friday, August 21, 2009

Hot Boyz

This movie started out as a piece about racial injustice and corruption in the American criminal justice system. It seemed a noble effort to highlight a serious topic while utilizing an "urban" tone by casting rap artists. And, by noble effort, I mean a piece of poorly written, confusing, and nonsensical dreck. The only reason I watched this is because I was on a C. Thomas Howell kick. You may remember him as Ponyboy in movie The Outsiders. However, the movie barely features him at all.

I think the director/writer wanted to make a movie about rappers shooting up clubs and murdering countless innocent bystanders, banging chicks and swimming in bling Scrooge McDuck style. But, then, the producer said, "You know, we need a sad story to give your main character motivation to turn into an awesome gangster. People will love him if they know he has a heart wrenching past behind his murderous and asinine antics." That's where you get the first half and a bit of this awful film.

Stupidly named Kool is hooked up with a hot high school grad with a promising future. (Did you know Kool is Silkk the Shocker? Bet you didn't, not the way they plastered it all over the credits.) He's painfully uncool despite his recent ascension to a black belt in some vague martial art that comes in handy about one time in the film. Having him be a black belt in this movie is like giving the Terminator awesome flower arranging skills and having terrible scenes with his flower arranging mentor. Kool being a black belt has no bearing on the plot.

LaShawna’s, Kool’s girlfriend, mother hates him because he’s a want-to-be rapper and he hangs out with Snoop Dogg… or something. Despite this, LaShawna makes sweet love to Kool and then he lets her walk home in the ghetto at night. What a great boyfriend! Why does her mom hate him? On her walk of shame home, LaShawna comes across a man being shot and attempts to help him. The man is a cop and is being shot by another cop for some reason. I think it’s just because he has to play victim to the white devil corrupt cops, but I’m not sure. LaShawna panics when the police arrive and she runs home. She is promptly arrested and booked for murder despite the fact that she is the least likely candidate to have committed the murder other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So, now, for some reason, Kool must hook up with the King of Insanity, Gary Busey, and through corrupt means catch a slightly menacing neighborhood Mack Daddy to clear LaShawna. I liked how this was such a black-and-white case. LaShawna was there so they charged her right away even though the lead detective knew pretty well she wasn’t involved at all. There’s really no evidence that she did anything. Her incarceration is just a plot convenience to get Kool angry so he can be a cool gangster later.

Kool goes to a club to meet Mack Daddy. Here he uses his martial arts skills here to impress Mack Daddy and eventually tricks him into being arrested. However, the other corrupt white devil detective gets access to LaShawna and beats the fetus out her. Oh, I didn’t mention she was pregnant!?! She doesn’t mention this to her baby daddy either until she’s on her death bed. Excuse me while I stifle a sardonic giggle. Why no one wondered why she was practically dead after talking to Detective White Devil still puzzles me. And on the day she was supposed to get out of jail too! What a tragedy.

Detective White Devil decides that killing a girl who knew absolutely nothing about his vague crime was not enough, so he decides to perform a drive-by AT HER FUNERAL and shoot up her family and friends. At her funeral! I mean, there are bad cops, and then there are BAD cops. Kool steals a hearse and a boring chase scene ensues ending with a crispy Detective White Devil when his van explodes. (What? No making bacon jokes? A goofy joke like that might have saved this movie. Maybe.)

End of movie, right? WRONG! Now we are treated to Kool and his gang of Hot Boyz (the z makes it edgy, you know) getting his revenge on the world by shooting up casino goers and stealing stuff.( I’m almost convinced that the club/casino shooting scene is ripped straight from another C. Thomas Howell paycheck called “The Sweeper.”) He and his gang also break into Gary Busey's house and steal his weapons. This a great scene because of Gary Busey's queer little "Heey!" before he answers the door. See the scene here.

Everyone is looking for the gang, yet, no wonders why Kool can suddenly afford a mansion with basketball court. ‘Cause, you know, black people looooove basketball. Anyway, his gang gets cornered and they all die in an epic (read: boring) shootout. And Kool crashes his car into the water and escapes with his life. He is convicted and sentenced for his mayhem and murder, but is released after five years on a technicality. I guess you are supposed to feel triumphant for him because he stuck it to the man and did not have to do any time for his egregious transgressions. But, really, five years!?!

This was an awful movie with no direction, little or no acting, and a poor story. You’d be better off putting your balls in a vice rather than watch this. At least putting your balls in a vice wouldn’t be as painful.